


Schrodinger's Penis

by rorywritesstuff



Category: Marvel 616, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Young Avengers (Comics)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Comedy, Dorms, M/M, Nudity, Partial Nudity, Philosophy, Public Nudity, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-10
Updated: 2018-09-10
Packaged: 2019-07-10 16:47:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15953468
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rorywritesstuff/pseuds/rorywritesstuff





	Schrodinger's Penis

(Student accommodation. Teddy is walking the corridors, in a bathrobe. it's not clear if he has any clothes on underneath the robe. He runs into Billy.)  
TEDDY:  
Morning.  
BILLY:  
It's two AM.  
TEDDY:  
And thus the morning.  
BILLY:  
Are you going somewhere?  
TEDDY:  
Is anyone?  
BILLY:  
Please answer the question.  
(Teddy thinks.)  
TEDDY:  
Jennifer Lawrence. She's going somewhere. We haven't heard the last of her.  
BILLY:  
Are you actually going anywhere?  
TEDDY:  
I'm taking my morning constitutional.  
BILLY:  
By walking around the halls like...like... it's too early for an analogy.   
TEDDY:  
Bertha Rochester?  
BILLY:  
Fucking lit students. Why are you awake?  
TEDDY:  
I don't sleep, Billy, you know that.  
BILLY:  
Well, other people do.   
TEDDY:  
I'm not making any noise.  
BILLY:  
Floorboards.  
TEDDY:  
What about them?  
BILLY:  
They creak.  
TEDDY:  
Well, I've complained about that to you multiple times and you did nothing. Maybe if you actually tried to maintain the halls over which you have dominion...  
BILLY:  
Look, it's not just the noise. Walking around this early...it's just weird.  
TEDDY:  
You're doing it.  
BILLY:  
I'm trying to stop you.   
TEDDY:  
You can't stop me. I haven't breached any of the rules to which we all agreed. You can't lock us in our bedrooms, and the only noise being made is because of your dereliction of duty. So, I'll go back to roaming, thank you very much.   
BILLY:  
Teddy, just go to bed.  
TEDDY:  
I will not, sir. See you at the floor meeting tomorrow. I will be bringing up the floorboards again. Unless you wish to join me in a turn about the corridors, I bid you goodnight.   
(Teddy goes to leave.)  
BILLY:  
Wait, what do you have on beneath that robe?  
TEDDY:  
Hmm?  
BILLY:  
Let me see underneath your robe.  
TEDDY:  
Billy, we can't do that anymore. You're an RA.  
BILLY:  
If you're naked under there, that contravenes the rules.  
TEDDY:  
Everyone's naked under their clothes.  
BILLY:  
But we all agreed that a robe doesn't count as clothes on its own. That was in the rules we all signed for.  
TEDDY:  
I have got clothes on under here.  
BILLY:  
Then let me see them.  
TEDDY:  
You can't force a student to strip.  
BILLY:  
It's not stripping if you have clothes on underneath.   
TEDDY:  
That's a big if.  
BILLY:  
Well, are you naked under there or not?  
(Pause.)  
TEDDY:  
Both.  
BILLY:  
Jesus Christ, Teddy, answer the question.  
TEDDY:  
Aaaron, it's Schroedinger's Penis.  
BILLY:  
Excuse me?  
TEDDY:  
I propose that, since you don't know whether or not I have clothes on underneath my robe I both do and don't, existing in a state of quantum nudity, under I undo the robe and collapse the wave function, causing God to flip a coin as to whether or not I'm naked.   
BILLY:  
Oh?  
TEDDY:  
Yeah.  
BILLY:  
So maybe you're breaking the rules or maybe you're not.  
TEDDY:  
But you can't find out without breaking the rules by seeing one of your residents - and your ex - naked. So, I guess, we'll never know.   
BILLY:  
Please just go to bed, Teddy.  
(Pause.)  
TEDDY:  
Come with me?  
BILLY:  
I can't. And, yes, I really would like to.   
TEDDY:  
Then how about a Schroedinger's hook-up?  
BILLY:  
Eh?  
TEDDY:  
Maybe we did, maybe we didn't?  
BILLY:  
Come again?  
TEDDY:  
Well, that's for God to decide.  
(Billy cottons on.)  
BILLY:  
Oh. What they can't prove can't hurt me.   
TEDDY:  
Exactly. Maybe you put a dead cat in a box, maybe you didn't.   
BILLY:  
I've never done-  
TEDDY:  
Shhhh. Leave some mystery.  
(Pause.)  
BILLY:  
Fine. If no one knows, maybe it didn't happen.  
(He takes Teddy's hand and starts to lead him towards his room. He steps on a floorboard that creaks loudly. Lights turn on in some of the dorms.)  
VOICE #1:  
(Offstage)  
What was that?  
VOICE #2:  
(Offstage)  
I'm going to guess that it's Teddy and Billy on their way to have an illicit hook-up.   
VOICE #3:  
(Offstage)  
I also guess that.  
VOICE #4:  
(Offstage)  
Let's collapse the wave function and find out!  
TEDDY:  
I told you to fix them. By the way, I was naked under here.  
(He flashes Billy and then exits.)


End file.
